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“A mom’s hug lasts long after she lets go” 

-unknown

You know, I struggled with whether or not to write this post… or to publish it… I’m still conflicted in a lot of ways about it.

I would like to wish every mother out there a very Happy Mother’s Day!  I am truly blessed to have had the best mother ever to walk the face of this Earf.  And although she’s not with me in body she’s always with me in spirit; I can feel her.  And these days when I look in the mirror I can see her too O_O.

So, since my mama aint here, what do I do for Mother’s Day?  In 28 years I was only away from her on Mother’s Day once, when I was in Rio on vacation, and even then I skyped her like all the time.

I could go to NC, but then again for what?   I don’t feel at home there or even welcome a lot of the time.  My mama aint there. Well, her body is there but she aint there.  But then again if I don’t go down there I kind of feel bad because I’ve always been there for Mother’s Day.  I should at least go put flowers on her grave right?  Iono…

I can’t ignore it though.  Even if I wanted to, it’s impossible to ignore.  So now what?  Do something to honor her memory?  Yeah that all sounds nice and all but when you’re still flooded with emotions at the very thought of her it’s just not a viable option.  Surround yourself with loved ones?  Not really feeling the love nowadays.  I just don’t wanna be bothered.

And please, I appreciate the attempts at being supportive but don’t.  Just don’t.  Don’t try to make me feel better, just let me know that you’re thinking of me and praying for me and allow me to hurt, and be ok with seeing me suffer.  And if you can’t handle it, then don’t bother me.  It’s cool I understand.  And for Gawd’s sake don’t impose your opinion on me of how you think I should be or feel or how dissatisfied you are with my ‘progress’; especially when you have no idea what you’re talking about.  Even if you’ve lost someone close to you, or even your father, the loss of a mother is totally different.  When you share a body with someone for 9 months, you’re connected in ways that are far deeper than you can comprehend.  Even now that she’s gone I still can’t explain it.

So yeah…it sucks.  I know it’ll become more bearable with time though, I gotta maintain that faith.  It’s bad, but it wont be this bad forever.  I had the greatest example of faith that came from my mama.  And although its hard and an ongoing process, I’m so grateful to have had such a role model.  I’m thankful to have had a parent model for me the morals and values that so many aren’t as fortunate to see in their day to day.  No she wasn’t perfect, she was flawed, and she allowed me to see that too- which was probably the best thing she could have done for me.

So yall, treat your mama right.

Tee hee.  

Let me get up on this nap tho… I’ll post a recipe later

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