It is 4:55 am and I’m awake. No sleep for me last night. Wiiiiiiide awake in my dreams…
You know come to think of it, I rarely if ever sleep well when I’m down here (in NC). Tonight aint make it no better, as if I needed a reason though
This is one of those kinds of posts. May not be as witty or as funny as you’re used to getting from me. So, you’ve been warned. I’m feeling down so allow me to draw my roses yall on my pretty piece of paper with my red stabilo pencil. Funny thing is I write these types of posts all the time. Well not all the time, but I gotta whole gang of blog posts that I’ve drafted but never published, a number of them taking a tone akin to this one. I guess this is me attempting to put these things out there in hopes that the process will be more cathartic.
Since I switched to the iPhone from an Android, I don’t have any record of any conversations or anything from my mother in my phone. I still have her numbers stored just for gp I suppose. Can’t imagine if/when I’ll delete those. But all of her texts and voice mails were left on my old phone. After she died, I made it a point to save her voice mails to my memory card so that I could still hear her voice. For some reason I was afraid that I’d forget it; chial as if… I copied the contents of said card to my computer, but apparently everything didn’t copy. My voice mails are not here in the folder. And I did this because my brother wanted to wipe the card to use in his phone. So now I fear that I am left with nothing, and that thought is kind of unbearable for me right now.
On the one hand I’m hurt for obvious reasons. It’s like when my aunt and cousin threw away our Christmas tree and all of the decorations we had after ma died on accident. They didn’t mean any harm, but harm was done. I know my brother didn’t mean any harm, but harm was done, or at least I feel this way right now in this moment. And that makes me mad at him, which I know isn’t right.
Perhaps its a sign that I should start to
let go of loosen my hold on some of the things I’m trying to hold on to. I’m not at the point of fully letting go right now. And I know that she’ll ‘always live on’ and that ‘I’ll always hold a special place in my heart’ or I’ll ‘never forget my mother’s voice’ and all. Logically, I know this. But right now, in this emotional state that I’m in none of that matters. As I’m sitting here typing this blog entry with tears streaming down my face uncontrollably I can’t just tell myself ‘there there, it’ll be ok’. The reality is, I don’t know if/when it’ll ever be ok again yall. I’ll live, and I’m confident that I’ll even live a fruitful and enjoyable life. But that won’t make it ok though.
The raspiness in her voice during her last days on Earth, the sense of urgency in her tone when she commanded that I call her back, the warmth and love that radiated from her as she told me Happy Birthday and how much she loved me… all just memories now. Distant memories, but still somewhat tangible at this moment in time. Memories that I hope I’ll be able to recall 10 years from now when I turn 40 (yikes!) and feel unequipped to handle the next phase of my life without her guidance. Or hell when I just wanna hear her voice outside of what I can recall in my head.
It’s 5:16 am.
Gotta drive back home tomorrow (today).
5:29 am: I want a tattoo.
5:32 am: I’m definitely getting too old for this shit! -not the tattoo, but staying up all night.
I swear I’mma get my life yall.